Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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