I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
