Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
