the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
porn star boner night. come get it.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
