i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
