whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
