Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
