They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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