I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
