im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
