Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
