I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
