theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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