this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
