If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
