I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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