Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
