we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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