i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
