do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
