youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
