why didn't you poke me back
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
