mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
