I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
