And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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