just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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