I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
