I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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