i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
