I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
