She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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