Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
