barbara walters just said penis...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
