Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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