It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
