hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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