walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You pole danced in your parka.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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