my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
