apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
