Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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