my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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