Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
