Who wears a wallet chain?!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
