I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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