I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Randomize
