The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
