We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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