He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
