I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Can Purell be used as lube?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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