I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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