i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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