You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
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