My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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