Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
