I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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