totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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