don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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